Item - Lauren Rock

Lauren Rock is the sort who sits on your desk like middle management and judges your life choices. She’s got a calm face and chaotic energy; claims she’s 45 “with excellent mileage,” and insists she’s metamorphic because “I’ve been through things.” Lauren’s hobbies include holding down documents that don’t want to be held, glaring at novelty mugs, and developing firm opinions about your Wi-Fi.

She enjoys late-night telly and Jaffa Cakes (two at once, no shame). One eye’s a bit independent; she says that’s for “rear surveillance,” like a gull patrolling a chip. If left near your bin she’ll somehow make the mess look deliberate, like performance art. Do not ask her to be “nice”—she’ll stare you into next week. Give her a sunny spot, the top of the in-tray, and a task to sit on. She’ll do it better than you.